All of Me

Back in the spring, our Sunday school teacher posed this question to a couple in our class: "If you had to do it all over again, would you want to know the outcome?" This beautiful couple had lost their first baby girl to Trisomy 13, and knew half-way through the pregnancy that their world would shatter and their hearts would forever be wounded.

What a difficult question.

I have friends that have faced both sides of that scenario. One couple had no idea what they would be facing; another was aware and made the necessary preparations, prayed earnestly, wept, and had a community surround them throughout the whole process. I was pretty sure I knew MY answer to that question. I knew my heart wouldn't be able to handle knowing. I knew that if I were put in that position, out of self-preservation, I would guard my heart and disassociate myself from the life growing inside me.

Life has happened this year and God has been transforming my heart. Slowly. Painfully. Wonderfully opening my eyes to His love, grace and provision. We now find ourselves in this situation. I've been staring at a crib for a week, unsure of what to do with it. After moving P to her big bed, should we disassemble the crib and put it in the attic? While most parents would be painting a nursery and buying clothes, I have not allowed myself to plan anything.

With all the thoughts and sentiments I have encountered lately, one thing I refuse to believe is that these things just happen. I do believe that Jake and I were hand-picked by God to carry and lose three babies. I also believe that God hand-picked Jake and I to carry THIS child...whatever the outcome. After all that He has done for me, how can I possibly not try and be all that He wants me to be? God hasn't picked me so that I can love this little boy with half of my heart, but with my whole heart. Matt Hammitt put it so wonderfully in his song about his own little boy: "I can't give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole."http://megreenl.opendrive.com/files/MjZfNjhfa0hRSHA/01%20-%20All%20of%20Me.mp3Matt Hammitt's All of Me


I choose to love this little boy with my whole heart, and I will lean on Him while we wait. "Count is all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4 (ESV)