It's Okay To Not Be Okay

It's been ten and a half weeks since we lost Thatcher. I can't really say where I'm at on this grief journey, because I never read any books about the grief process. I avoided them because I was scared of what they would say, but also hopeful that this would not be our story. But...it is...and has been.

Most days I'm fine. My definition of "fine" is based on what I have read from others' experiences. I do cry at least once a day, but I'm able to get out of bed and do the day-to-day things (mostly without incident). I'm also able to talk about Thatcher, now, without crying every time. I owe a lot to my children that don't give me the luxury of having down time, but mostly, I owe my Lord for sustaining me the last 10 weeks.

I was proud that I was doing so well, despite the ugly hand we had been dealt. Then, I began to second guess myself. I felt as though I wasn't fully dealing with the death of our son. I haven't even been to visit his grave in several weeks.

It has become apparent the last couple of weeks that I'm not as okay as I thought. Even though my brain is telling me that I'm okay, my body is telling me that I'm not. Physiological symptoms started to appear: insomnia, loss of appetite, heart palpitations, and an infection. I've also experienced a few panic attacks when I've been around newborns. I've spoken with doctors and started medicine for my sleep loss and infection (I avoid medicines when at all possible). My NP I saw today kindly handed me some recommendations for grief counseling and told me all that I am experiencing is a likely a bi-product of my grief. To be honest, I almost feel defeated. Like the facade I had created has crumbled and my true wounds are exposed. Not that I've kept what my family has been through a secret, but that I was withholding the full truth from myself. Perhaps it's a self-preservation tactic to keep those that have experienced painful loss from cratering.

I'm dealing with this as best as I know how. Thankfully, I have a whole host of patient people around me that are showing me lots of grace...especially my husband. I'm going to start being fully honest with myself. My new truth: I'm not okay....but that's okay.