A Mourner's Needs

We will all experience sorrow at some point in our lives. Some may lose a close friend, others may lose a parent, a sibling, or a child, and others will have sorrow over a loss of things they held dear. What would you need at that moment in life? What could others do to show love and support? I'm no expert on this subject, as I'm still navigating through the murky waters of grief, but I have learned through the last few months that for everyone the "need" is different. But, I can say without question, the answer is never "nothing."

Nothing implies, just that, nothing. It implies there is no value in the person or the source of their sorrow. It opens up new wounds in an already raw flesh. Of course, I know this isn't true, but Satan can squeeze his way into these sad lonely moments and tell you that no one cares. Even with others surrounding you, grief can leave you feeling totally isolated.

I don't think anyone can predict what they will need until you are in the midst of grief. For me, I needed to be surrounded by people to keep me from crumbling. I was afraid to be alone because that was when I was at my weakest.  It's in the quite times that I let my thoughts race and the tears flow. I am so blessed that I had people around me doing whatever they could to take care of my family and me during the last few months. Meals would show up on our doorstep, gifts for the kids were delivered, cards arrived in the mail, my phone rang every day, and friends would just drop by to check on us.

It's so hard to know what a person needs during those dark days. So what should we do when we just don't know? The answer is ANYTHING. Anything you can do to show that you love them and that you are there for them. Pray and ask God what you can do for them. Pray that God will use you to show His love and grace to those that are hurting. I saw the Lord working through others and meeting our greatest needs during our darkest moments.

I know that there are those that will say they want nothing and that their desire is to be left alone. While they may not want anyone sitting next to them, I can guarantee that they correct response is not to leave them alone. Pray for them, send them cards, or leave messages to let them know you remember them and love them.

I will end this post by saying that it can be so easy to send a text message these days, and consider our job done. But please know that for a grieving person, they might need more. There is a level of intimacy and compassion that is lost in simply sending a text to show you care. Somehow in the last decade with smart phones and social media, we have veered off the path of closeness in relationships and truly meeting others needs. I know I'm personally guilty of that. Prayerfully consider what God would have you do to extend His love to others. 

Refiner's Fire

We have all heard the term “Refiner’s Fire,” but up until recently, I never knew exactly what that entailed. After reading the chapter: The Process of Purity, in Jennifer Kennedy Dean’s book Fueled by Faith, I decided to research what the precious metal refining process really involves. The first stage is referred to as “The Breaking,” and as one might think, it involves breaking the rough ore into smaller pieces with the intention of bringing forth the more precious materials hidden within. The second stage is known as “The Crucible,” in which the broken ore is placed into a fireproof melting pot so that the metal can be exposed to extreme heat. The final stages involve exposing the crucible-encased ore to increasingly high temperatures, each specific level intended to draw out another impurity. At the completion of each melting process, the refiner carefully scrapes off the sediment and undesirable metal that rises to the top. I cannot think of a more perfect analogy for how God parents his beloved children.


Twelve months ago, my family began the hardest, most spiritually filled year thus far. It started when we saw no heartbeat on the screen. What was the hope of a third child quickly slipped away. The mourning that we did for that baby was raw and deep. It was not our first loss, but this one felt heavy and real. I began digging through scripture to try and find a reason for this suffering. I came across the story of Jacob and his brother Esau later that summer when I was in the emergency room experiencing the loss of yet another baby we had hoped and prayed for. Esau had once wanted to kill his brother and Jacob was struggling over the reunion that would take place the next day. He struggled so much with his emotions and ended up having a physical struggle with God that night. God broke Jacob at the strongest part of the human body, the sinew of the thigh. It became apparent to me that God was breaking me in perhaps the most painful way, because sometimes that's what it takes. Sometimes that's what is required for us to see God face-to-face. Ann Voskamp put it so eloquently in her book One Thousand Gifts when she wrote that the blessings don't come without first begging to see the wells of joy-water in the desert; wells don't come without first splitting open hard earth, cracking back the lids. There's no seeing God face-to-face without first the ripping. Tear the thigh to open the eye.” We now face, perhaps the most painful year as we welcome our second son into the world, knowing that his time on earth will be brief. Preparing to say goodbye to your child before you have laid eyes on his sweet face seems like a trial no parent should have to face. But, through this trial, I have seen beauty. God has been using this ugly circumstance to bring out impurities in my marriage, attitude, and faith and draw me closer to Him.


We as followers of Christ are promised affliction at some point in our lives. 1 Peter 4:12 says that you shouldn’t be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. So how do we pass through life’s daily irritations and devastating events? We are to keep our focus on the promises God has written in His Word and trust fully in the author and perfecter of our faith, Jesus Christ. Consider for a moment what Christ chose to do for you and me. Instead of choosing to stay in His rightful place in the presence of the Father, he chose the cross and its shame. Jesus chose to endure all the suffering this world has to offer so that we may join Him in heaven for eternity. For us, the suffering we endure isn’t typically a choice. But we can choose to keep our eyes focused on Christ and run with perseverance the race marked out for us. James 1:2-4 goes so far to say that we should “consider trials an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”


You may feel like God is breaking you or exposing you to heat that you can’t endure, but choose to walk through these trials and allow the master refiner to do His work in you. Fix your eyes on Jesus and embrace the resurrection power that will come as a result.