Broken Together

Marriage is hard work. Period. When we enter into marriage with an idealistic picture of how marriage should be and we throw in life, kids, and a few tragedies, you get a recipe for disaster. How is any marriage supposed to survive such disappointment and heartache? To be honest, I’m not sure, but we live in a broken world and I know that it would be a hopeless effort without Christ. Christ provided us with the perfect example of the sacrificial love that is required in marriage: completely selfless, loving the least, choosing to leave his seat at the right hand of God to walk among us, and bear the full weight of all our sins on that cross. It is only when we totally die to ourselves that marriage can become all that God intended it to be. Don’t get me wrong, I have not succeeded at reaching this type of love for my husband and I feel that I am still far from it. Quite frankly, no one ever will because of our sinful nature, but it is something to strive for.

Jake and I have been put through some trials in the few years we have been married. We have struggled with all the typical marriage issues, but we also lived apart for almost a year because of a job situation and a crummy housing market, we lost three pregnancies, and been dealt the potential blow of a losing another. Sometimes my mind wanders back to the simpler times when we first got married…before we had a house to worry about, before kids, and before our busy schedules got in the way of “us.” These years have broken us, but these years have also changed us into who we are today. We have matured, learned how to better communicate our feelings, and learned to pick our battles. Jake has become my hero and my crutch on the days that I don't think I can take another step. We may still be broken, but we have learned how to be broken together. 

Casting Crowns' Broken Together

The next two weeks will be hard for us as we wait to see our little boy again. We are scared, but we are also hopeful. I know we will be able to get through this together and come out better on the other side…no matter what happens.

"Count is all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you my be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4 (ESV)

Children's Prayers

We are coming up on another milestone this weekend. Monday marks 18 weeks and studies show that 65% of babies with Edward's Syndrome (Trisomy 18) are miscarried before this point, most of which are males. I am beginning to hate the internet and all its medical resources, but I feel like I need to be fully prepared with as much information as I can absorb over this wait period, rather than be totally bombarded with new information at our next appointment. We were scheduled to meet with the perinatologist on December 15th, but Jake has been honored with an invitation to attend further training with his company that week. We made the choice to postpone the appointment until the 30th. These last 4 weeks have crawled by and now we must wait a few more. However, I see it as a blessing. In the event that we do receive bad news, it will be after Christmas, and we will be able to fully enjoy this time with our families.

This brings me to my next point: our family. I have thought long and hard about how to tell our oldest that something may be wrong with his little brother. The moment we told him that a little boy was on the way, he had a name picked out for him..."Broccoli Jones." While Jake and I aren't totally sold on it, we find it sweet that he has named him. He keeps asking when I will "burp him out," which always makes me laugh. We have prayed with Hunter for our baby boy several times and I have made it a point to ask God to give us a healthy baby, but the other night, when we finished praying, Hunter looked at me and said, "Mom, Jesus is right next to us always. No matter what." Tears welled up in my eyes. How could someone so young be so wise? God uses little children in miraculous ways. I think their innocence makes them privy to a relationship with Him that it is sometimes hard to reach as adults in a fallen world. I think God gives them wisdom and hope and He certainly allowed His words to come from Hunter's lips that night. How do you tell a child that there may be something terribly wrong with his brother?

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:30-21 (ESV)

Prayers are a funny thing. We initially pray for what we want, but as our relationship with the LORD grows, He transforms our will to be more in line with His. We begin praying not for our will, but His will. Then, His will becomes our will and that is all that fills our hearts. It is hard for us, as adults, to understand why God doesn't answer our prayers the way we think He should. When we cry out from the depths of our hearts to save a loved one, especially a child, and He chooses to take them to heaven, it is sometimes beyond our comprehension. I want to teach my son to pray boldly, to bring all his cares to the feet of Jesus, but as a parent, I struggle with the desire to guard his tender heart from all hurt. I'm afraid that I'll be inadequate...inadequate as a mother and as a believer in my ability to explain the tough outcomes. I want us to all pray for a miracle, because I know He can provide one. But, what if He chooses to take our little boy to heaven before we can watch him grow, hold his hand, and hear him laugh. How do you explain that to a child?

"Count is all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you my be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4 (ESV)

All of Me

Back in the spring, our Sunday school teacher posed this question to a couple in our class: "If you had to do it all over again, would you want to know the outcome?" This beautiful couple had lost their first baby girl to Trisomy 13, and knew half-way through the pregnancy that their world would shatter and their hearts would forever be wounded.

What a difficult question.

I have friends that have faced both sides of that scenario. One couple had no idea what they would be facing; another was aware and made the necessary preparations, prayed earnestly, wept, and had a community surround them throughout the whole process. I was pretty sure I knew MY answer to that question. I knew my heart wouldn't be able to handle knowing. I knew that if I were put in that position, out of self-preservation, I would guard my heart and disassociate myself from the life growing inside me.

Life has happened this year and God has been transforming my heart. Slowly. Painfully. Wonderfully opening my eyes to His love, grace and provision. We now find ourselves in this situation. I've been staring at a crib for a week, unsure of what to do with it. After moving P to her big bed, should we disassemble the crib and put it in the attic? While most parents would be painting a nursery and buying clothes, I have not allowed myself to plan anything.

With all the thoughts and sentiments I have encountered lately, one thing I refuse to believe is that these things just happen. I do believe that Jake and I were hand-picked by God to carry and lose three babies. I also believe that God hand-picked Jake and I to carry THIS child...whatever the outcome. After all that He has done for me, how can I possibly not try and be all that He wants me to be? God hasn't picked me so that I can love this little boy with half of my heart, but with my whole heart. Matt Hammitt put it so wonderfully in his song about his own little boy: "I can't give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole."http://megreenl.opendrive.com/files/MjZfNjhfa0hRSHA/01%20-%20All%20of%20Me.mp3Matt Hammitt's All of Me


I choose to love this little boy with my whole heart, and I will lean on Him while we wait. "Count is all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4 (ESV)

Where Do We Go From Here?

Last week we received a blow that we are trying to stop spinning from.

Let me first back up by starting at the beginning of our year:
We were expecting another child and were so excited. Those hopes were dashed when we went in for our first ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. After a few months, the healing process incomplete, we found out we were expecting...again! The initial tests didn't look promising and our doctor told us to prepare for the inevitable miscarriage, which came one week later. The tests began...and we were left with more questions than answers. Our doctor could not tell us why we had now lost three babies (two of which happened after we had two uneventful, perfectly healthy pregnancies.) We were definitely looking at our children with new eyes. We were beginning to see what miracles and gifts from God they truly are.

Fast forward a month and we were remarkably expecting another child after two miscarriages this year...the one in August still so fresh. We were so scared, so hopeful, so unsure. The initial blood work all looked great and our first ultrasound showed a HEARTBEAT! Whew...such a glorious sight after the year we have had. We had all the routine blood work and a new test that checks for chromosomal abnormalities and gender. We were so excited to be at this point and I was/was not pumped about the usual pregnancy symptoms.

So, back to last week...I was at home with sick kids, not feeling so great myself and my doctor called. It's never a good sign when your doctor personally calls you to discuss test results. She informed us that our baby boy had tested positive for Trisomy 18. I didn't even have words to respond with. The nurse scheduled an appointment for us with a perinatologist.

The prayers began. I'm so grateful to be a part of a community that is full of prayer warriors. People have surrounded us the last few days with phone calls, emails, visits and love. It has been amazing to see God lift us up and surround us with His grace in the midst of all my doubts, fear, and distrust. I was, and still am, praying for a miracle. I'm praying for the test results to be wrong and praying that we welcome a healthy, perfect boy into the world in May.

Today, we met for our first visit with the perinatologist and genetics counselor. We saw beautiful images for our son and his cute profile, his perfect-looking hands and feet. All parts were accounted for, but I was left uneasy while the sonographer kept looking at the umbilical cord. A second sonographer came in to re-check. I was getting sick to my stomach. The doctor came in, after what seemed like an eternity, and chatted about what we though and noted how cute our baby was. He said our baby's growth was right on track...whew!

Then the news: the umbilical cord only has two vessels. I tried to wrap my layman mind around what this meant. I understood the inefficiency aspect and possible slow late term growth. But, when the counselor explained to us that two-vessel umbilical cords are potentially a marker for chromosomal abnormalities, my hope began to fade. She talked about our options for further diagnostic testing, which my husband and I refused. I was fully engaged until she mentioned the resources available. As soon as the word hospice left her mouth, I checked out. I had received all the information that I could possibly absorb and my hands were beginning to shake. I couldn't wait to get out of there.

So...where do we go from here?

We wait...which is one of the worst parts. Being stuck in this limbo of "not knowing" is terrible. We have the next 5 weeks to continue to pray for a miracle.