Refiner's Fire

We have all heard the term “Refiner’s Fire,” but up until recently, I never knew exactly what that entailed. After reading the chapter: The Process of Purity, in Jennifer Kennedy Dean’s book Fueled by Faith, I decided to research what the precious metal refining process really involves. The first stage is referred to as “The Breaking,” and as one might think, it involves breaking the rough ore into smaller pieces with the intention of bringing forth the more precious materials hidden within. The second stage is known as “The Crucible,” in which the broken ore is placed into a fireproof melting pot so that the metal can be exposed to extreme heat. The final stages involve exposing the crucible-encased ore to increasingly high temperatures, each specific level intended to draw out another impurity. At the completion of each melting process, the refiner carefully scrapes off the sediment and undesirable metal that rises to the top. I cannot think of a more perfect analogy for how God parents his beloved children.


Twelve months ago, my family began the hardest, most spiritually filled year thus far. It started when we saw no heartbeat on the screen. What was the hope of a third child quickly slipped away. The mourning that we did for that baby was raw and deep. It was not our first loss, but this one felt heavy and real. I began digging through scripture to try and find a reason for this suffering. I came across the story of Jacob and his brother Esau later that summer when I was in the emergency room experiencing the loss of yet another baby we had hoped and prayed for. Esau had once wanted to kill his brother and Jacob was struggling over the reunion that would take place the next day. He struggled so much with his emotions and ended up having a physical struggle with God that night. God broke Jacob at the strongest part of the human body, the sinew of the thigh. It became apparent to me that God was breaking me in perhaps the most painful way, because sometimes that's what it takes. Sometimes that's what is required for us to see God face-to-face. Ann Voskamp put it so eloquently in her book One Thousand Gifts when she wrote that the blessings don't come without first begging to see the wells of joy-water in the desert; wells don't come without first splitting open hard earth, cracking back the lids. There's no seeing God face-to-face without first the ripping. Tear the thigh to open the eye.” We now face, perhaps the most painful year as we welcome our second son into the world, knowing that his time on earth will be brief. Preparing to say goodbye to your child before you have laid eyes on his sweet face seems like a trial no parent should have to face. But, through this trial, I have seen beauty. God has been using this ugly circumstance to bring out impurities in my marriage, attitude, and faith and draw me closer to Him.


We as followers of Christ are promised affliction at some point in our lives. 1 Peter 4:12 says that you shouldn’t be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. So how do we pass through life’s daily irritations and devastating events? We are to keep our focus on the promises God has written in His Word and trust fully in the author and perfecter of our faith, Jesus Christ. Consider for a moment what Christ chose to do for you and me. Instead of choosing to stay in His rightful place in the presence of the Father, he chose the cross and its shame. Jesus chose to endure all the suffering this world has to offer so that we may join Him in heaven for eternity. For us, the suffering we endure isn’t typically a choice. But we can choose to keep our eyes focused on Christ and run with perseverance the race marked out for us. James 1:2-4 goes so far to say that we should “consider trials an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”


You may feel like God is breaking you or exposing you to heat that you can’t endure, but choose to walk through these trials and allow the master refiner to do His work in you. Fix your eyes on Jesus and embrace the resurrection power that will come as a result.

My Prayer Demands

Prayer is amazingly powerful. It does raise a theological question, however, as to whether or not we can change God's mind through prayer. I'm not qualified to debate this matter adequately, so I'll address what I have witnessed in my own prayer life: God, more often, uses prayer to change us.

Through the last couple of months, I have begun reading several books written by others who have walked similar paths to ours. They have provided me with encouragement, a sense of community during an isolating situation, and a means to sort through some very confusing questions and emotions. One brought up the story of Lazarus. Many of us are familiar with the story of the miracle Jesus performed. Mary sent word to Jesus of Lazarus' illness in John 11:3 by simply saying, "Lord, he whom you love is ill." No list of demands, no further explanation. How many times have I cried out to God with my worries and cares then proceeded to tell Him who created the universe how to fix it? I have prayed for complete healing of my son's heart, for the tests to be wrong, for God to show himself to me through medical findings that can only be explained by a miracle. The truth is, when I begin telling God how to fix my problems, I make God so small. I place God in a box. I'm asking Him to work within the confines of my human mind and comprehension. I deny myself the blessing of seeing how God chooses to answer my prayers. But perhaps the most damaging consequence is that I open myself up to becoming angry and resenting God when I make demands that are not in line with God's plan.

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:24

So what about this scripture? At first glance, one would would think that we get whatever we ask of God, but my prayers have revealed that this isn't the whole truth. I have had people say to me that if I have enough faith and earnestly ask God and believe in Him that my son can be healed. While I know that my son can certainly be healed though God's mighty power, the outcome of this situation has absolutely nothing to do with the amount of faith I have at a particular moment. Such a belief tries to put the power in our own hands and doesn't glorify God at all. I think the point Jesus was trying to make in this passage was that when we focus on God and truly have faith, our will becomes more in line with His perfect will. When we pray for His will to be done, and not our own selfish desires, we can see mighty things happen.

The last few days I have realized that I have no idea how big my God is. I have written words and prayed and read scripture, but my human mind cannot begin to grasp Him or His thoughts and plans. I know that my God is mighty to save, but God does not always choose to save. All I can do is pray for peace and that His glory be revealed to us through these next few months. We are caught up in a storm of emotions that we have not truly begun to understand, but I am clinging to His promises of hope.

Take a moment to reflect on your prayer life...are you trying to limit what God can do through your list of demands?

"Count is all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you my be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4

Addison Road What Do I Know of Holy

Beauty in the Ugly

Two weeks ago, I decided to have an amniocentesis performed so that my family could begin to make the necessary preparations for our baby boy. I met with two doctors that both explained the possible complications and what all the scans were showing. I have prayed for clarity and peace for several weeks and I left the office feeling like God had provided both. I knew what the tests would show. I received a call five days later that confirmed what I already knew in my heart. Our son indeed has an extra 18th chromosome in every cell in his body.

My amniotic fluid levels are high, so the doctors want to keep monitoring me pretty closely. I keep thinking that the doctor appointments will get easier. After all, we are just hashing out the same facts that we have known now for weeks. What does not get easier, however, is hearing that our baby boy will die. For the first time in this journey, we had a doctor suggest ending the pregnancy. He told us we had plenty of evidence to cling to in order to justify such actions. I know doctors are trying to prepare my husband and me for what the odds say is inevitable, but I prefer to cling to hope. I know realistically that we may not have much time with our son, but any time will be precious and beautiful and I will allow God to decide when it is time for him to go home.

The last couple of weeks have been filled with tears, heartbreak, and some bouts of anxiety, but they have also been filled to the brim with an outpouring of love from those around us. Jesus has been manifesting himself through others taking care of our family with meals, phone calls, cards, encouragement, hugs, and most of all, prayers. This is an ugly part of life...these trials...but you can choose to see the beautiful through all the ugly. Our little boy, whom we have named Thatcher Yates, has touched so many lives already. His time on earth may be brief, but he has a mighty purpose that we are all seeing unfold before our eyes. 

The risk now becomes heart failure for him before he is born. It poses both a risk to him and myself so the doctors are watching us closely. It is our deepest desire to meet this handsome boy before his time is up. Please join us in prayer that we get to meet him, hold him, and tell him how much we love him before God calls him home.

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, to show that the transcendent power belongs to God and not us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For while we live we are always being given up to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal flesh."
-2 Corinthians 4:7-11.