Many people have offered help with whatever needs arise, but to be honest, all I really need is for someone to take this burden from me. This isn't supposed to be happening to us. I would be lying if I said I wasn't terrified. I have tried to prepare myself for what the future looks like, but Jake and I really have no clue what that will be. I'm scared of how ugly grief can be and how it will manifest itself in each member of my family. No matter how many books I've read, no one can tell you exactly what to expect our new normal to be.
Although it has become easier to put on a strong face and answer strangers' questions that arise while I'm out running errands, it doesn't hurt any less. I cannot go to a single place without someone commenting on how far along I look or asking if I'm done having kids. It makes me wonder how many times I have caused some other mother pain with my shallow comments or inconsiderate questions. For the most part, I spare strangers the awkwardness and politely answer their questions without too much detail. Occasionally, I feel prompted to just open up and be honest about our situation. It lifts a weight off my shoulders and makes it easier to breathe.
There is one person that I struggle to fully answer: my son. As my belly grows, his questions become more and more frequent. His little heart is so full of love and his intelligence is beyond belief. Lately he has asked some questions that cut straight to my core. He wants to know what Thatcher's first word will be and when he will be four years old. He also wants to know why his baby brother can't stay here forever. For the last four months, one of my greatest fears has been how I will help Hunter understand and cope with the reality we are facing. I am beginning to realize that this burden doesn't fully lie on Jake and me. I think the Holy Spirit has been speaking to Hunter's heart, especially as we prepare to celebrate Easter. Last Sunday, we were discussing what he had learned at church and I retold the Easter story. I asked him if he knew where Jesus is now and he said, "In heaven." I explained to him that Jesus promised to come back to earth one day and that when that happened, everyone that believes in Jesus and loves him will go to heaven with him. Hunter promptly responded, "Even Thatcher? Well, I definitely love Jesus and believe in him." Hunter has this amazing ability to make my heart swell and rip apart at the same time.
I know the time is quickly approaching for us to meet our precious son because I don't feel like my body can hold out much longer. Please join me in praying that God will give me the words to say to those around me, especially Hunter as we help prepare his heart for this difficult time.
"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:15-16
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