Section 85

Section 85, Plot 9. This is the location we will lay our son to rest, should he be called to heaven. Jake and I spent last Friday afternoon discussing funeral arrangements and visiting the cemetery. I fully expected it to be a totally emotional experience and to have a breakdown at some point that afternoon. Instead, I found myself emotionally numb. It almost felt like I was doing all this for some other child...not my own. Earlier that day I had seen his face so clearly on the screen. He hid his face and squirmed out of view, just like his big sister would do. How could we possibly be here discussing his death when he is so clearly alive at this moment?

The funeral home felt old and the silence within its walls spoke volumes. It felt like death. As the coordinator showed us the casket models, I hardly felt it was like a peaceful place to lay my small son. She asked us if we had any questions, but how are young parents supposed to know what questions to ask at a time like this?

As we walked among the tiny grave sites, I felt heartbroken for all the other families that had lost their children too soon. One child had been buried within the last few days. The dirt was fresh and the flowers had blown over, just starting to wilt. I wondered who the family was and how they were doing. Were they able to get out of bed and face the day? I want to go back and write down names to pray for the little ones' families, but maybe another day I will find the courage to do so.

A couple of days later, Hunter asked when Thatcher was going to come out of my belly. He then asked when Thatcher would be four years old, like him. My heart broke at the thought of missed birthdays and missed milestones. I told Hunter that his brother might not get to be four. His series of "why" questions were answered with uncertainty. These kind of answers don't satisfy my inquisitive, smart, sensitive son. Unfortunately, those are the only answers I am able to provide him with. 

We will continue to hope and pray for a miraculous healing of every cell in Thatcher's body. We pray that his heart will be made whole and that he will thrive and get to experience all that a little boy should in a lifetime.

"The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing."  Zephaniah 3:17