Faith in the Valley

After much waiting, we met with our perinatologist on December 30th. It was cold, and had begun to sleet outside and they were more backed up than usual in the office. My husband and I waited for two-and-a-half hours to see the doctor. There was some trouble getting the measurements and images they needed because our little boy was being super stubborn...he doesn't get that from me. :) When the doctor finally came in, he was very optimistic that we were one of the few couples that had received a false positive regarding the chromosome abnormality and that our baby was just fine. But, before we left, he decided to take another look. He showed us how his brain, spine, and face appeared to be normal. Then he decided to re-check the heart. That is when all the air seemed to be sucked out of the room. He asked the sonographer to confirm what he was seeing: a ventricular septal defect and an overriding aorta. We went from mountain top back to the valley in a matter of seconds.

It took me a few days to process the information. One one hand, it was promising that the doctor had not found more visible markers related to T18. On the other hand, these heart defects were something else to add to the list of evidence that the test results were accurate. The longer the list gets, the clearer the picture becomes. Unfortunately, we will have no definite answers until he arrives.

I have been surrounded by such a supportive community of people the past few months. Prayers from more people than I could have imagined have gone up on our behalf. Several have come up to me and commented on how strong I am. The truth is: it's a lie. I feel like a total failure. Behind my bedroom doors, I sob. When I'm in the car, with my kids safely out of view of my face, the tears flow. I have managed to neglect my kids and not take a single moment to stop and listen to what God was trying to tell me. I have also been irritable, stressed, and sometimes find it hard to breathe. It's so hard to have faith through all the murkiness. Then, I'm reminded of what Jesus said to Thomas:
      Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."


This morning, while driving, a message came on from Proverbs 31 Ministries about trusting God's plan. Out of the back seat, I hear my two year old daughter singing her memory verse: "Trust in the Lord and do good." (Psalm 37:3) I couldn't help but cry tears of gratitude for God's goodness. I've always heard that it takes a community to raise a child, but it has never been more clear than this morning. While I have failed in many areas as a mom lately, we are a part of a community that is teaching my children the love and trust God. 

I would give anything to have childlike faith in this moment. I suppose I'll start by stopping and listening to what He has to tell me.