Today was an exceptionally hard day. I say this not looking for sympathy, but in hopes that someone going through a similar situation may find comfort in knowing that their feelings are normal.
It has become increasingly hard to go out in public. Almost every where I go, good-hearted people ask questions and want to talk about my growing waistline. I would love to say that I always find it as a good opportunity to talk about Christ and my faith, but more often than not, people are shocked when I respond that our little boy isn't expected to live. That kind of response tends to be a conversation killer and, if I'm being honest, people act as though it is a socially unacceptable answer. I've had a lot of practice keeping my composure when the standard questions arise, but today I felt as though I wanted to crawl in a hole and stay there for the next few weeks.
One sweet old lady at the supermarket talked to be about how her two boys were why she was on such a tight budget. When I mentioned that this was my third child, her response was, "Well, that's plenty!" She meant no harm, but it was a knife to the heart nonetheless.
Another lady at a different location proceeded to tell me that a family member had been through a similar situation, but she just "killed the baby in her belly." I was stunned by her honesty.
After reading through books and other materials, I've found that my day-to-day experiences with a swollen belly are very common with those that choose to continue carrying their babies that aren't expected to survive. I've come to realize that my fear of questions from strangers and the anger that arises from encounters out in public are normal...thank goodness! This experience has taught me more about sensitivity and compassion than I could have ever imagined.
I think I'll send my husband to the grocery store from now on.
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