Let me start by stating that I might regret putting this out there. What I am about to post is a recent entry from my journal and it wasn't intended to be seen...just between me and God. However, I feel like we have a tendency to not show our true selves on the internet and it's for a good reason. There's too much vulnerability, too much risk of exposure to ridicule, judgement, or being misunderstood. However, I have come to realize just how taboo the topic of losing a child can be. People aren't chomping at the bit to open up about this deep hurt. So, the typical responses to the questions from friends and loved ones are superficial, at best. Sometimes they are an outright lie. That's right...sometimes I lie.
I've been told that I'm strong and my faith has inspired others, but let me be very honest: today, and for the last 8 months, my faith has been on shaky ground. Most of the time I feel like I'm hanging by a thread.
Here's my journal entry from a couple of weeks ago:
This has been the hardest year of my life and other than our little blog, I've kept most of my prayers and concerns bottled up deep within my soul - too afraid to say them aloud, write them down, or whisper them in a prayer. Zephaniah 3:17 says that you rejoice over me and that you are mighty save. The question stings as I read this passage: why did you choose not to save Thatcher? Was I the one that needed saving? I prayed and cried over that child more than I did for any of my other children. At this moment all the scriptures regarding your purposes and plans seem cliche. My soul needs healing from the gaping wound that his passing left. I wanted him to stay so badly and instead I'm left questioning your plans and goodness.
I'm so grateful that God can take my questions, doubt and anger because I've been full of all of them lately. I know that we live in a broken world that is full of death, sickness, and hurt. However, this just isn't an adequate explanation for my soul right now.
I pray that others that are dealing with grief can feel safe enough to open up to those around them. Grief is a treacherous road that God did not intend for us to walk alone.
Oh sweet friend all I can do is cover you in prayer. I pray that you can feel the arms of prayer wrapped around you. Love you!
ReplyDeleteThank you for expressing your grief clearly and with honesty. Last spring my daily Bible readings included Job and I wrestled along with him--and his transparency and honesty!--for well over a month. I have been walking with you and Jake and your family since I last saw you, so I am fairly up to date on your posts in Facebook. In all my years of walking with people through their deep losses and, now, having traveled a few of those paths myself, I can offer a tender thought or two. As raw as your emotions are, I am thankful that you are expressing your grief in your art, your blog posts, and occasionally on Facebook. This is healthy. I also find no difficulty with a child of faith that struggles with it in the midst of grief. I think it was Babbie Mason that once sang, If we cannot trace God's hand we can trust His heart. I know that you trust God's heart and He will guide you along the way to healing in good time. I believe I have spoken to you and Jake that grief, like our DNA, is unique to each person. I sure hope that no one is pressuring you to get on with life! That would grieve my heart because your grief is to be experienced in God's time. Also, there are any number of Biblical motifs (themes)that help us to understand God's whereabouts and intention in pain and suffering. One of those motifs is that some aspects of "why" we suffer will remain a mystery (Job 42). I also know that God was at work in Christ to put an end to pain, suffering and death, so His ultimate redemption is before us as an answer to the why of suffering (1 Peter 2:25). I think, too, that God's mercies and His response to you regarding Thatcher's pain and suffering will be forthcoming in the days ahead. He will bring to peace your hearts and will provide you with His care. Please know that I am just a phone call or a text or an email away. I even use Facebook at my advanced age.:-) Love you all and I am praying for you all. Larry Ashlock
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